Quality Retirement Resources
Retirement Jokes
How Do You Feel?
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?"
"Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed on myself."
Last Wishes
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
The Amazing Parrot
Three sons left home early in life, went out on their own, and all three prospered in their own ways. Getting together one day, they discussed the gifts they recently gave to their elderly retired mother.
The first boasted, "I bought Mom a Mercedes limousine and even hired a chauffeur since she can't drive. The limo alone cost over $150,000."
The second replied, "I had a big mansion built for Mom at a cost of over $500,000."
The third smiled and wryly proclaimed, "I've got you both beat. Remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? Of course you know she can't see very well. I gave her a parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took the church elders over twenty years to train him. All Mom has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it. I paid more for the parrot than what the two of you spent on the house and limousine."
Not long afterwards, Mom sent out her thank you letters.
"John," she wrote to the first son, "I am too old to travel. I stay home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. However, thank you for the thoughtful gift."
"Bill," she wrote to the second son, "the house you had built for me is huge. I live in only one room. It takes me an entire day to clean the whole house but thank you for the thoughtful gift."
"Jim," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother truly likes. Although a bit more work in preparing it than I am used to, the chicken was delicious."
Three Old Men
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
'I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business' , declared the first man.
'Fifty years from now, 'said the second, 'I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man' .
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, 'So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?'
'Me?' the third man replied. 'I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'
Toilet Troubles
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.
The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
Doctor's Advice
A retired man went to a doctor for a general check-up. The doctor told the retiree that everything was fine and that, in fact, he was "in real good shape for a man of 93.
"That's good to know because I'm getting married in two weeks," said the retiree.
"Getting married! That's wonderful! Who's the lucky bride?" asked the doctor.
The retiree replied, "She's a 27-year-old bar maid I met at the local pub."
"Only 27!" The doctor paused before he advised, "Then you will need some Viagra."
The man replied, "No way, I never take drugs of any type. It's against my principles."
The doctor took some more time before he responded with: "You are in good shape, but nevertheless you are 93. May I suggest that you and your wife take in a boarder?"
"Why a boarder?" asked the retiree.
"Well, you know, at your age," winked the doctor, "you may not be able to do all the things a young woman would like a husband to do around the house. A boarder will be able to help."
The retiree shrugged and said, "I guess you are right," as he walked out of the office.
A year later, the retiree, now 94, came back to the doctor for another checkup. "How's married life?" asked the doctor.
"Amazing, it couldn't be better. I should have remarried years ago."
"How's your wife?" asked the doctor.
"She's doing fine," announced the retiree, "and she's pregnant."
"Pregnant!" exclaimed the doctor. "I take it that you took in a boarder who has fit in quite well?"
"'Yes, and she's pregnant too," grinned the retiree.
A Stiff Neck
A man was walking down the street when he noticed that his grandfather was sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
Same Class?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate hanging on the wall; it gave his full name. Thinking hard, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 36 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. 'Yes,' he replied.
'When did you graduate?' I asked.
He answered, 'In 1971. Why?'
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then the thoughtless idiot asked, 'What did you teach?'
Retire from Golf?
'How was your game, dear?' Jacqui asked her husband, Tony, after he had returned from playing golf.
'Well, I was hitting the ball pretty well, but my eyesight's got so bad I couldn't see where it went,' Tony answered.
'That's not surprising,' Jacqui replied. 'After all, you are 76 years old, Tony. Why don't you take my brother Stewart along?'
'Because he's 87 and doesn't play golf anymore,' Tony commented dryly.
'I know, but he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch the ball for you.' Jacqui added.
The next day Tony teed off with Stewart looking on. Tony swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
'Can you see it?' demanded Tony.
'Yeah,' Stewart said smiling.
'Well, where is it?' Tony asked, peering off into the distance in search of the ball that was now out of his eyesight range.
'I forget.' mumbled Stewart.
A Confession
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little leaving speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'
Just as the priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his speech.
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived, 'said the politician.' In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.'
Arrested for Shoplifting
An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken.
The lady replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "Nine."
The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"
The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."
Coordinated Outfits
Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club.
"We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith.
"Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."
Knock on Wood
Three old ladies were discussing the trials and tribulations of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
The Secret to Living to be 100
Reporter: "So you are 100 years old. How did you manage to live so long?"
Old man: "Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefitted most by 79 years of fresh air."
Two Questions
An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her.
She replied, "OK."
He said, "Will you marry me?"
She replied, "Yes," then asked what his second question was.
He replied, "Will you help me up?"
Retirement lyrics to the tune of 'My Favorite Things' from The Sound of Music
Rennies and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Zimmers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy meals or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads, hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains and no fear of sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
More of the pleasures maturity brings-
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
I simply remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel ... so bad.
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